The Art of Giving Yourself Permission
Remember when you were a kid and you had to get your parents to sign a permission slip in order for you to do something out of the ordinary? Be late for class, miss a day or week of school, or participate in a field trip.
There were a certain set of rules you lived by, and you needed a note from an authority figure stating you had permission to break them.
As adults we also live by a certain set of rules we make for ourselves. As I wrote about in a previous blog post, those rules and the beliefs that create them, are often shaped by our upbringing, our society, or our sense of responsibility and obligation. We create an Inner Gatekeeper whose sole duty it is to make sure we stick to those rules.
In her leadership book “Dare to Lead” Brené Brown shares a tool called Permission Slips*. I was lucky enough to train in her Dare to Lead program, and I often use this powerful tool with my clients. The tool is simple: you write yourself one of those permission slips, and YOU occupy the role of authority to grant permission to YOURSELF.
“Sometimes we need to give ourselves permission to be our brave authentic selves – to be brave and afraid at the same time; permission slips are a way to state our intention for how we want to behave.
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Here are some common areas in which I see my clients struggle to give themselves permission, the false beliefs that get in the way and the permission slips that open up new possibilities for them.
#1 Self Care
False Belief:
My needs are less important than others' needs. Mine can wait, I’ll be fine.Permission Slip:
I give myself permission to go to my favorite yoga class every Monday and say no to anything that conflicts.#2 Rule Following
While I have broken many of the societal “rules” of what work & play should look like, my friends still make fun of me for being such a rule follower. If we’ve rented a house, car or even golf cart in my name & there are rules associated with it, I turn into the worry wart who’s stressing about getting in trouble.
While this is a silly example, if being too careful and cautious is getting in the way of your dreams, it’s time for a permission slip.
False Belief:
If I don't follow the rules something terrible will happen.Permission Slip:
I give myself permission to break X rules and be rebellious for the sake of ______.
#3 Being Responsible For Other’s Emotions
I don’t love my own birthday parties. I get so caught up in wanting everyone else to have an amazing experience that I worry about the little things and end up not enjoying myself as much as I could. A friend once said “it’s not your birthday until you cry in the bathroom”. Can anyone relate?
False Belief:
You are responsible for other people’s feelings or experiences.Permission Slip:
Permission to not be in charge or responsible for anyone else’s feelings.NOTE: This doesn’t give you permission to be a jerk ;) #4 Perfectionism
Do tasks take forever to complete because you have to do it a certain way and get it “right”?
Do you worry about what other’s will think and make sure all the bases are covered before presenting an idea or making a move? Welcome to the club.
False Belief:
Unless it’s done “right” it isn’t worth doing.This one can also come with the bonus false belief (ding ding!) that unless I do it perfectly, I won’t be seen as ____ enough.
Permission Slip:
I give myself permission to stop at “good enough”, to get it wrong, or to allow it to be, (gasp!), messy.
#5 Saying No
For those of us who have a hard time prioritizing our needs over others, who love to please, this can be a challenging one.
False Belief:
Putting other’s needs ahead of my own is always the right thing to do.Permission Slip:
I give myself permission to say no to ______ for the sake of ________.
So why is this important?
Physically writing out a permission slip and saying it out loud with conviction are powerful tools to calm that Inner Gatekeeper that is trying to keep you doing what you’ve always been doing, even when you know it is no longer serving you.
Giving yourself permission is quite possibly the greatest gift you can give yourself. In giving yourself permission you are giving yourself authority over your own happiness, well-being, and decision making.
What greater gift is there?
If your life design ambitions look different from the rest of your family, friends or neighbors, you will need to learn to give yourself the authority to grant permission in all of the categories above at one time or another. So why not start practicing today!
What permission slips are wanting to be written in your life today?
* For more on Brené Brown’s Permission Slips tool check out this free download on how to use this tool as part of her Daring Classrooms offerings.